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<title>Early Ray</title>

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For the next page, Ray Tracing, [[ray_tracing|click here.]]
For the previous page, Ray of Sunshine, [[ray|click here.]]
To jump to the start and the index, [[start|click here.]]
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**Early Ray:**

The [[childhood|Childhood]] chapter is largely about Ray Gustafson beat(shy)ing me until I was cover(shy)ed with bruises and suf(shy)foca(shy)ting me as well. That is most of what I remem(shy)ber about Ray except for the quasi-rape inci(shy)dents. This cha(shy)pter, Early Ray, covers the latter inci(shy)dents and fills in some of the gaps.
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I've tried to assemble positive memories. There aren't very many. I'd like to see and present a balanced picture and others are invited to help with that.

The picture is negative so far, but it isn't an indictment. It's more that it's sad I wasn't real to my brother. I'd like to sort out how the pieces fit together regardless.
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The Old Coder, an associate, says that people are simply animals and that such good as comes from them is accidental and no sign of an inner light. The pack is the thing. It's normal for most people to seek to hurt others who they don't perceive to be in their pack.

I don't agree that there is nothing more to people. But it's true that Ray didn't see me as being in his pack.
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<ocimage jake_1985.jpg | 500 | Jake in 1985></ocimage>

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Ray was 4 years older. 4 years is a huge difference when you're small. However,  I felt that I was a curiosity to him as opposed to a Little Brother to be protected or even valued.

Ray did save my life on one occasion that's described below. However, I was there mostly for him to take things out on.
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**Hurt the Baby:**

My cousin Heather, who baby-sat us, says that Ray used to go in and pinch me when I was a baby. That's a little dis(shy)turb(shy)ing. I haven't heard of such a thing before, I don't think.

Ray was only about 4.5 years old at the time. So, it's diffi(shy)cult to say what might have been in his head. But he was old enough to know that he was hurt(shy)ing a baby. It wasn't an aus(shy)pi(shy)cious start.
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**Boundaries:**

When we were young, Ray wasn't what I'd describe as
respect(shy)ful of boundar(shy)ies.

When Ray was age 12 and I was age 8, Ray became obsessed with
his body. He often described his penis and some(shy)times he made draw(shy)ings of it.

Ray once put his hand over my face and said, "What does that
smell like?"

I said I didn't know. He said it was his balls. It's a bit
funny in retro(shy)spect, but I was left speech(shy)less
and dis(shy)turb(shy)ed at the time.
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As Ray Gustafson moved into adoles(shy)cence, his behavior became more crude. Eventual(shy)ly, it crossed the line into sexual harass(shy)ment and the implied threat of rape.
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One time when I was about 11 years old, Ray held a piece of hair
in his hand and show(shy)ed me. He said, "This is my pubic hair. I'm going to put it in your mouth."
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I tried to run, but I couldn't get away from him. Ray Gustafson
was a train(shy)ed wrestler, 4 years older, and physically close to
being an adult. He was easily able to pin down an 11-year-old.

I struggled, moved my head back and forth, and cried and
scream(shy)ed as loudly as I could. How(shy)ever, after a minute or two, he pin(shy)ned my head as well.

He forcibly inserted the
pubic hair into my mouth by shov(shy)ing the fingers that were
hold(shy)ing it into the orifice.
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Ray Gustafson's sexual behavior became more
dis(shy)turb(shy)ing when he reached the age of 16.

When Ray was 16 and I was 12, he wanted to see my penis.
He opened a bath(shy)room window from the base(shy)ment stair(shy)well while I was urinating. I asked him why he did it. He said, "I wanted to see how you were devel(shy)op(shy)ing".

That incident wasn't so unusual by itself. However, during the
same period, Ray caressed my back and my hip and said,
"Hey baby, you're cute" or some(shy)thing similar in an
attempt at an alluring voice.

I believe that Ray wanted me to feel sexual(shy)ly domin(shy)a(shy)ted and threaten(shy)ed.

At the time, he com(shy)ment(shy)ed that he wasn't gay, saying, "Do you really believe I'd make a pass at you?" I was sha(shy)king and said, "I don't know".
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**Sucking on Ray Gustafson's hose:**

We had a regular below-ground swimming pool out back. One time when
Ray was about 17 and I was about 13, he wanted me to suck the pool's
vacuum hose -- with water in it -- so that he could put his dick
in the other end and feel the water pulling on it.

He could have tried this with the vacuum on the other end but that
might have gone bad(shy)ly. The vacuum seemed violent
in opera(shy)tion and Ray wanted to retain
pos(shy)ses(shy)sion of his male member.
A mis(shy)cal(shy)cula(shy)tion with the vacuum
could poten(shy)tial(shy)ly have turned Ray into Rayette.
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I was embarrassed and even shocked, but I did it right away.

I was accustomed to doing what Ray demand(shy)ed.
Addi(shy)tion(shy)al(shy)ly, he'd
seemed moodier than usual recent(shy)ly. I felt
that he was on the brink and refusing the
exper(shy)i(shy)ment would push him over the edge.
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The pool hose was about 20 feet long. I doubt that I managed to move
the water even by 1/16 of an inch.

Ray didn't feel
any(shy)thing, of course. But I figure that it
was about sexual fantasies this time as opposed to
dom(shy)ina(shy)ting me. If he imagined that it was a girl
sucking on the other end, he may have enjoy(shy)ed the thought.

He said, "Will you promise not to tell anybody?" I said, "I'm not
very proud of it either." However,
con(shy)fi(shy)dential(shy)ity can't be expect(shy)ed with abuse.
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Ray was quick to call boys who weren't as manly as his standards
dic(shy)tated "fags". When I was 6, too, I'd said that I liked dancing
and might like being a ballet dancer and Ray had beat(shy)en me up for
say(shy)ing that.

So, it's ironic that Ray Gustafson asked his lit(shy)tle brother to
suck his dick even if it was by proxy. But Ray wasn't up to
speed on irony.
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**Soccer and other balls:**

When I was 13, I had a groin injury that required surgery. This was a soccer-related groin pull.

One day, while I was recovering from the procedure, Ray punched me in the balls because, he said, I was "being annoying". I don't know what it was about. I think it was because I seemed happy that day.

I was angry that he could hurt me there and be happy about it. He'd punched me there several times before, but it was odd that he'd strike me where I'd had surgery.
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**Other interactions:**

I wasn't always passive about being struck.

One time after Ray hurt me, I saw him laughing and watching TV hours later. I snuck up and
punch(shy)ed him in the side of the face. I did that another time, too.

Ray insisted, as a youth, and insists, as an adult, that I "cold-cocked" him for no reason,
"out of the blue".

The disagreement is more than a kerfuffle. Incidents like these affect children. They need to feel safe. I don't think Ray should be around them.

There's no irony in saying this after I struck Ray while his guard was down. I was a
frac(shy)tion of his size and weight and just didn't want to be hurt.
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**Positive memories:**

When I was five years old, I wanted to be part of the group and communion. So, I made an attempt to become a Christian.

It was insincere because I didn't really know what it meant. However, Ray assisted me by leading me through a prayer after Church at Open Bible Baptist Church (defunct), a KJV church then in Furlong, PA.

I don't recall that Ray made fun of my goal at all.
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At about the same age, one day, my hand slipped off of the rail at a swimming pool and I fell in. Ray saved me from drowning.

And, on my 8th birthday, Ray woke me up and said, "Jake. Wake up. You're Eight Now." He helped me get up and get to breakfast. I felt happy and safe. It was strange, like a trip to some(shy)where new.
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For the next page, Ray Tracing, [[ray_tracing|click here.]]
For the previous page, Ray of Sunshine, [[ray|click here.]]
To jump to the start and the index, [[start|click here.]]
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