Growing Up With Myself

Well there's everyone else, then there's me. So what's wrong with me, anyway? I suppose this or that, maybe more or less as much as another person. I am not neurotypical, some would say. I was never diagnosed with anything. Maybe if I had been, life would have been easier, or maybe worse. I don't know. I can say that I had to learn to accept myself, and that was as important as being understood. It can be as hard to accept and understand yourself as to be accepted and understood.

I can say for pretty sure I wasn't a Christian in the sense of being born again, until I was 24. How can this be? Some people may ask. I was great at telling people what to do and what to believe. So what is the difference? I think the difference between the old me and the new me is the difference between between Ray and me. I really believed facts about Christ, and I really thought I had to tell other people about it.

But there are several key differences. For one thing, when I was in church, even if I said "Amen" to a Biblical message, or even when I was singing one of their songs, or even one of my own songs, I was thinking about what other people should do. I wasn't thinking about how I might need to change, except with regard to how I can do better. Doing better is not the Christian life. It is about discovering that Christ loves you and having a relationship with him, not about discovering the right formula for doing good and not doing bad and following it. That would be putting the cart before the horse. We weren't made to walk between the lines, we were made to walk with God. That results in a better life, but you can't get their by your own formulation or effort, no matter how much you believe the right facts.

A key common similarity between the "good old" version of me and the "good old" version of Ray is pleasing people, ultimately for self-fulfillment. Regardless of how heartfelt that is, it is still backwards. It is reaching out to grab instead of with open hands of an inner filling with love ready to be re-gifted from the overflow.